YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THE OLD LADY IS THINKING?

I WAS WALKING THROUH THE GROCERY STORE THE OTHER DAY. IT WAS A SUNDAY. YOU SEE, IT WAS AN EARLY SUNDAY MORNING. I HAD THE "DREADED LIST". IT WAS THE LIST THAT EVERY MAN HATES. IT WAS ONE OF THOSE LISTS THAT YOU HAVE TO PICK UP CERTAIN NAME BRANDS AT THE GROCERY STORE, FOR INSTANCE "THE MINUTE MADE ORANGE JUICE WITH EXTRA C AND CALCIUM, WITH VITATMIN A AND 1 PART E. IT WAS THE LIST THAT YOU BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE. YOU HAVE TO SWIPE THE CARD THOUGH. DON'T FORGET TO SWIPE THE "CARD".

ALL US MEN HATE THIS LIST, CAUSE YOU HAVE TO SWIPE YOUR CARD OR YOU DON'T GET THE DISCOUNT. YOU PAY FULL PRICE THEN. AND THEN YOUR IN TROUBLE WITH THE OLD LADY, CAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET THE DISCOUNTS. THEN YOU'RE A DUMB-F---, CAUSE YOU F---ED UP AND YOU DIDN'T GET THE DISCOUNTS.

SO I'M SCRUFFY, IT'S SUNDAY MORNING. I DIDN'T SHAVE AND I'M STILL WEARING THE SWEATS AND T-SHIRT THAT I WORE TO BED THE NIGHT BEFORE. I HAVE THE CARD THOUGH, CLUTCHED I MY FIST...

OKAY, YOU KNOW HOW YOU WALK DOWN THE AISLES OF A GROCERY STORE SOMETIMES. YOU KNOW HOW YOU KEEP SEEING THE SAME PERSON, BECAUSE HE OR SHE IS WALKING IN THE SAME DIRECTION, BUT OPPOSITE ROWS IN EVERY AISLE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, BECAUSE WE HAVE ALL BUMPED IN TO THIS PERSON MANY TIMES. YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT, BUT YOU DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE EACH OTHER. YOU KEEP WALKING BY EACH OTHER,EVERY AISLE...

SO IT HAPPENED SUNDAY. THIS VERY VERY PROPER OLD LADY WAS DOING THE "AISLE DANCE" WITH ME. SHE WAS DRESSED VERY CONSERVATIVE AND NICE. AS STATED, I WAS DRESSED AS A SCRUFF, BUT REMEMBER A PAYING CUSTOMER.

SO THERE I AM WITH MY "DREADED LIST". I HATE THAT "LIST". THEN THIS CONSERVATIVE OLD LADY KEEPS GIVING ME THE "YOU ARE A SCUM BAG LOOK". SHE IS JUST OUT OF CHURCH AND FEELING RATHER "SELF RIGHTIOUS". SO I SMILE AT HER, FIGURING THIS IS A WARM AND FRIENDLY ACT. IT WILL LIGHTEN UP HER ATTITUDE ABOUT ME.

BUT NO, SHE KEEPS ROLLING HER EYES AT ME. I EVEN HEAR A "NITH" OUT OF HER. THIS GOES ON AND ON EVERY AISLE. SO I'M STARTIN TO GET PISSED. SO FINALLY I DO IT. I PASS HER IN THE 12TH AISLE, AND WHISPER IN HER EAR, VERY SOFTLY, "NICE ASS".

SHE GIVES ME A LOOK LIKE SHE JUST SWALLOWED A FROG, AND RUNS OFF.

SO WE PASS IN THE NEXT AISLE, AND SHE'S GOT THIS BIG-ASS INVITING SMILE ON HER FACE, LIKE "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE".

I GIVE UP ON WOMEN...